[thejim]

Villager slowly walked away from his pig, having tied said pig to a stake near the old experimental cabbage patch. The grizzled stumps pulsing and giving out an unearthly green glow.

He shuffled down the broken up path toward the local pub. Jeff and Gaz should have got the beers in by now, no need to hurry. He coughed and wheezed round the last corner, just entering the inviting haze of light from the brazier that permanently roared with flames from twisted fret-wire, Takamine student guitars and fake Arams.

Just as he laid his gnarled hand on the door handle he heard a heart stopping scream of a pig in throes of agony-

'Jesus' he thought to himself, 'Has Gaz been at that old anal bleach again?'

.....

[jahloon]

Well the packet says "Bleaches one anus" so we couldn't have used too much, muttered Jah

Maybe the pig will settle down in a couple of minutes, Gazza replied.

Good job you had the rubber gloves on, countered Jah, and where's the Spatula gone?

[thejim]

They looked around as one, just in time to see the pink rubber handle of the spatula disappear into the nearby undergrowth. Followed by the unsettling smacking sound of cabbagey lips furiously masticating.

'What on earth was that?'

Asked an old woman in a post office queue, who had unusually good hearing for a piss scented old harridan.

[Kai]

"Oh, probably just the boys with their vindaloo 'n' lager again", said Jeff's wife, waiting in the queue to pick up a mysterious smelly package from Tennessee which the postman had refused to try to deliver, as he remembered the first one a year or so ago. (Right around the time local wildlife had started disappearing.)

Meanwhile, the postmistress was on her tea break eating her

[jahloon]

Gadzooks Digby, the wildlife is giving me the tremblers, commented air ace Biggles, who had landed in a nearby field after spotting a suspicious crop circle that might have a connection with drug smugglers and people from the Netherlands.

[Kai]

"I say, Reggie...", replied Digby, "animals around here aren't usually green, are they? What on earth is that over there? Looks like something out of Doctor Who..."

[jahloon]

Good God Biggles, it is hideously deformed, and look there's an orange one!

Steady on Diggers, I do believe that's Ginger!

[Kai]

Then another one, this one a putrid shade of pinkish-orange (bloody kimchi!), who they could just see was holding a large can of Foster's and clutching The Annotated Australian Guide to Philosophy in its other ....(?), spoke: "G'day, Bruce 'n' Bruce! Ah yeew pooftahs?"

[thejim]

'Heavens old fruit!' Exclaimed the ruggedly handsome air ace, 'I do believe we are being hounded by some kind of sentient Brassica.'

'Oh I don't know Sir, he does seem to be Australian..'

'Good banter Lofty, but I fear the worst, I don't like the look of that barbed tentacle thing he is waving at us...'

At that very moment, the monstrous cabbage reared up on its stalk and lunged for the Captain- There seemed no hope of escape-

[corcoran]

Meanwhile gazza, who, as usual is too thick to follow all the characters and what usually happens in one of these stories, turns his attention back to the pig, not that he's got time at the moment to join in with the merryment....



gazza "Yo! Pig! How's the blisters?"

pig "Not too bad, but they sting like bastards when I fart!"

gazza "Okay, lets try this again, but with two component epoxy based anal bleach - would you like some of the vicar's chalfont cream to dowse those blisters?"

pig "No thanks - it smells like villager's cock - but if I may have a dab on my nipples, it makes them hard and chewy, and they poke out from under those micro skirts that the locals get off seeing me in"

gazza "Right you are then, Pig. By the way, y'know those tassle things that strippers wear on their nipples?

Pig "Aye! I knows 'em all too well!"

gazza "I suppose you need 8 of them right? Can you get them to all spin in opposite directions like the fat birds in burlesque porn?

Pig "Oh, you didn't see me at the village fete last year then? The vicar became most disturbed! It was all down the front of his trousers - the dirty old cunt"

gazza "Yuk! Hold still while I do the underside of your twat, do you feel it burning yet?"

Pig "not more than usual - I'll use all my nipple tassles in a contrary windmill motion to cool my nether regions later"

gazza "but doesn't the chalfont cream make them fly off?"

Pig "Only if I get too excited, which reminds me, I think I fancy cabbage, that'll get me right fruity that will, phwoar!!!!"

gazza "Mind you don't get the farts, you'll do yourself an injury with those blisters, I'm off for another pint"

Pig "thanks for the arse job, gazza"

gazza "don't mention it, Pig, go easy with those nipples, dude"

Pig "Hmmmmmmm - CABBAGE!!!! NOM,NOM,NOM,NOM"

Pig's arse "Ffffrrrrrrrpppp"

Pig "OUCH! BOLLOCKS!




(If you read that then you're possible sadder than the person that wrote it. )

[jahloon]

thejim, on Aug 26 2008, 10:33 AM, said:

At that very moment, the monstrous cabbage reared up on its stalk and lunged for the Captain- There seemed no hope of escape-

Just then the piercing sound of a trombone cut the air like a knife, the golden instrument preceded its owner who staggered out of a nearby bush, dressed in rags and looking like the wild man of Borneo. He pursued the cringing cabbage blasting it with sliding trumpeting. Only weapon you can use against them, he said, apart from flame throwers, and I haven't been able to own one since the restraining order.

Biggles looked at Digby who looked at Ginger who looked at Lofty, they mouthed the one word at the same time; "Musicians?"

[thejim]

The pissy scented baggage from the post office queue sidled up, Hairy Shitehouse was her name, 'Young man, they are not musicians. Musical instruments are rigidly set into nice patterns of notes that do not offend. You can't play the dance of the sugar plum fairy on a trombone or a fretless guitar. They are used by young folk to make modern beat combo music. It is just a fad. Now stop that infernal blarting, it's making my chalfonts rub.'

At which point the fiesty mutant cabbage leapt up and devoured her in one almighty chomp. A sour odour of piss and cabbage water made the air crew retch. Cabbagey rectal burbulence carried through the still night air. In the distance an owl hooted and a pig squealed in what may or may not have been the throes of sexual climax.

The uncomfortable moment was broken when a dishevelled looking man wearing a pink spangled unitard plummeted from the sky.

'Has anyone seen my C5?' He asked, before slumping unconscious.

....

[jahloon]

Dressed entirely in Pink, said Ginger, most queer.

And what's a C5? Mused Biggles.

I think I better inspect him for anal damage, said Lofty, there's been one too many bleachings around here.

Pity we are right out of surgical gloves, offered Ginger. No worries, said Biggles, I have a nailbrush...

[thejim]

Good God man, did you go to boarding school too?

[Kai]

Looking at this app (a band name generator) in the music category of the iPhone/iPod store, I'd say someone's been reading our little saga: